How I Found Him Online and You Can Too!

When I first arrived in Philly, I did some aggressive online-dating. I'm a hyper-social extrovert to begin with, moving to a new city where I had very few people I know, and starting a job with zero co-workers. This was to be my salvation.

Sure, it took a month and a half to find the right one, but what's that compared to the rest of my life? I had a great time going on several dates a week and corresponding with different men every day. I had absolutely no expectation going into the whole thing, except to find people to go see stuff and eat stuff with. Admittedly, I was getting tired of the constant meet and greets by the time He rolled around too. I'm still the awkward girl I was in the beginning, but I've lost almost all anxiety about first dates. I love throwing myself into strange social situations and dating it seems is no exception.

Lessons Learned On Dating Online
1. Don't hide anything about yourself. Flaunt it.
 Courting is a somewhat exhausting process. Especially as a woman, online dating affords plenty of fish. If there are things about yourself you're unsure of will attract or deter people, make them loud and clear! Then you won't have to waste your time on people that just don't get it.

2. Don't be nervous.
I've rationalized myself out of nervousness. Sure, I get a few butterflies before some dates that look uber promising, but I rest assured that if this isn't the one there are plenty more. Plenty plenty more. (update--- this is impossible if you have composure of a 12 year old girl which it seems describes me in a nutshell)

3. It's impossible to predict what someone is like in real life until you meet them.
I pride myself on being able to read people fairly accurately, so I was surprised to see how inaccurate online profiling can be. Sure having a correspondence will tell you a lot, but never the whole story. I had a rich month long correspondance with someone that turned out to be the Footstomper. I had an awkward forced correspondance with someone that I turned out to like a lot in real life. You just never know.

4. Take plentiful risks.
Take risks. Contact anyone you find yourself attracted to. What's the worst that can happen? There are so many more people you haven't met!

5. Cast your net wide.
 There are going to be your share of Scrawny Narcissists and Footstompers. Go on lots and lots of dates. Your probability of finding a keeper can only increase.

Flashback to Footstomper

I've had many awkward correspondences gone wrong in the past. In the early days of facebook, when etiquette of social networking wasn't really established and people didn't limit themselves with boundaries, I'd receive a handful of messages from random strangers I had not met yet. I'm talking specifically about people who contacted me before I even arrived in college to talk about "stuff". Stuff could be anything from jazz to campus dining. These individuals and I made very loose plans to meet up, but with the fast pace of first semester it just never happened. Then when I was finally introduced to the person in real life through mutual friends, or recognized their face as they crossed the street, a pang of embarrassment went through my stomach. We had talked so in depth and then failed to make any real connection in the real world.


So... Footstomper. This was back when I was much more nervous about the online dating ordeal. I was reluctant to meet people I hadn't spoken to for a while and genuinely believed you can tell a lot about someone through their messages. (I still believe you can read a good 60% of someone through their messages, but that's not close enough to justify me liking someone!)

Footstomper and I shared page upon page of stimulating messages and it was a nice brain massage to have to respond to someone that cared and had an equal amount to share. After weeks of correspondences (which alone would make a nice little book), we decided to meet for milkshakes.

DATE
First appearances matter a lot. Whether you're willing to admit it to yourself or not, it determines how you feel about the person immediately. This guy truthfully looked like a bit of a mess. His personality wasn't too far from that either. We greeted each other with an awkward hug. Some people just aren't good at hugs and he happens to be one of them. It was a cold grip. It was within three minutes, he was crossed out of my book. He accidentally stepped on my right foot and instead of apologizing said, "let me step on your other foot to make it even". Yes, he went ahead and stepped on my left foot too.

Was this a nervous tick? Well, he continued to talk about his sad life. If there is only one thing I want in a partner/friend/human-being, it's an excitement for life. He talked about humanity negatively and didn't flow with my optimistic humanistic existence. I went home discouraged, with a bad taste in my mouth. He texted me that night saying he had a great time and if I wanted to meet up again. I don't remember the last time I had to outright reject someone. Usually a casual slipping away is suffice. It would be a waste of his and my time to try to make this work. He just didn't have the bare essentials I thought necessary. "Sorry, I don't think we're compatible" I wrote.

He then proceeded to give me an award on okcupid, announcing to the world that I'm intelligent and a catch. I guess this guy never fails to keep surprising me.

Last week, more than a month after our meeting, I saw he had joined couchsurfing and begun posting on the boards after I recommended it to him.

Online dating can be weird like that.

Scrambling Eggs

Women, and particularly myself, should be locked away in a resort somewhere the week they're scrambling eggs... and maybe the week they're laying them too! The thoughts that stream through my head and the flurry of crazy emotions makes me want to hide under a blanket until it's all over!

It'll all be over soon and for that I'm glad. 

Mr. Right-Now aka Stringbean

Good things come in threes? I've never believed in that bull, but the last three dates have been so surprisingly pleasant. Last night's though won.

Stats:
-enjoys Bjork, Joanna Newsom, Antony Hegarty, Sharon Jones, Yo La Tengo
-secular humanist
-works for a great architecture firm (bonus points because he's a graphic designer and not an architect)
-taller than me

Cons:
-non-alpha
-stick
-vagetarian... (me? with a vegetarian? blasphemy!)

So I'm sure you've reached the same conclusion I did. Gay. Truthfully, he has all the tell-tale signs and on top of this the date went swimmingly so that's solid proof. Alas, I'm a dreamer. There HAS to be a straight guy with these characteristics somewhere in the world, and who says it's not this one? Statistics that's who.

DATE

He came a bit late and we went in. He's by far the most awkward date I've had. He had a little trouble making eye contact and that hug was nerd-boy-virgin hug. It's very much like hugging a human-sized insect. It's all very genuine, but so awkward. Here's to hoping that was a weird symptom of anxiety of meeting me for the first time... He has that same excitedness though that I adore. I guess in a lot of ways he's a docile version of me. I'm pretty smitten with this one but don't know how much of me wants to jump his bones... and that is what he is... a pile of bones.

After my beer and his cocktail (see the role-reversal here? you see why I might be concerned of his sexuality???)... we went for a walk through penn's campus looking at architecture. This is just one of those things I nerd out about and love nerding out about so it couldn't have been better. Nerd boys are the best!... well ones that aren't arrogant and he isn't!

update 7.7.11
It was just so comfortable. As much as I can pile on the schmooze at any social function, when it comes to boys I am completely hopeless. My friend likes to repeat the classic story of when I slapped away a boy that was giving me a foot massage that I was horribly in love with... and then again when he kissed my inner thigh. What the hell is wrong with me? My tragedy. It's nothing I'm proud of, but just something I accepted as a curse put on me by some evil sex goblins.

When date night two came, I entered the apartment determined that if it went well I would NOT be a pussy about it. Started watching Happiness and he started doing the hand thing. Come on now, we're all adults and we all know what "watching a movie" is all about. It is never, ever, ever about watching a movie. Being an incorrigible social retard, I've always avoided the "hand thing", moving my hand away or my entire body to the other side of the couch. It PAINED my to do so but I kept my hand there for him to do the hand thing. After a good half hour of the hand thing we were sitting holding hands... all that good cute stuff.... another half hour and we were at it. The strange thing was how comfortable the whole ordeal was. I'm still left wondering how abnormal my level of comfort there was... is it always like that? I'm a hand thing virgin! I have no clue!

Spent America's birthday with him again. I was pretty brutal it seems when I first wrote about him. I'm falling for this one. I know because I'm not divulging in half the date details or feelings. crap.

Evaluation

So I've reached an ethical dilemma. There are still dates to be shared and dates to be gone on, but I've stupidly been hooked. I know if I ever stumbled upon an in-depth public evaluation of any date I went on, I'd most likely be horrified and indescribably angry.

I like a dude. I'm going to try my best to not censor myself though because at least for the time being, the integrity of my story trumps his feelings. It's a countdown til that changes though.

mb

Came back from the date that i'm very thrilled with. It keeps the good to bad okcupid dates at a good enough ratio to justify me to continue it :)

Laissez les bons temps roulez!

The Druggie.

Gayface. That's all I could think when this guy messaged me. It's a real thing as Scientific American will tell you! He had the odd look/mannerisms of my best friend. At worst this could be a great friendship is what I was thinking as I responded to his message.

Why did I get into this whole online dating ordeal in the first place, my friend asked a few days ago. He tells me I don't want a boyfriend. I like my sovereignty too much and am literally looking to screw around. Well I really don't know if he's right or not but I can say for sure the reason I'm doing it so aggressively this summer is because I have nothing to lose. I'm spending a few months in a new city where I have no friends and I'm eager to explore. I'll admit some of my favorite interactions are with what Fight Club calls "single-serving friends". I turn my schmooze on, have an instant connection with someone, and everyone leaves happy. So I am guilty of using this as simply a way or meeting new people. What's the harm in that?

I've heard introverts as people that lose energy being in large groups and socializing and extroverts as those that gain energy through social interactions. I'm the best example of this that I know. I get a drug-like rush meeting new people and being forced into "uncomfortable" social situations. Ironically I'm also the queen of self-sabotage but we'll get to that later.

So the Druggie and I had fantastic conversations on music and he gave me a mixtape which... is probably the fastest way to my heart!

Fastforward to the meeting. He was short and wiry. There is no way to get around that. A guy once told that at first glance of meeting someone he assesses them. If it's a man he assesses who could kill the other in a fight. If it's a woman he assesses if they're "fuckable". As he was explaining this to me a look of horror crossed my face. First it was horror that anyone can function like that... and then it was horror that I too functioned like that. I can't help it but when I saw this dude I immediately thought "damn, I'd crush you". I have not a single clue what was going on in his mind. Perhaps it was "damn, she'd crush me".

Conversation went amazingly smoothly. 20 minutes in we were talking about hallucinogenics and how they've impacted our lives. As much as I too indulge in said hallucinogenics, I usually loathe hearing about people's experiences in excess and how they're the best moments of their lives. There's too much goodness I've experienced drug-free on this earth. I like drugs and think they have improved my life, amplified some great experiences, and have been a great tool for self-reflection but I don't constantly need any substance to enjoy living. I guess this entire rant is directed at a single person in my life that is constantly on drugs and would disagree with that last statement completely... but again that's for a rainy day.

So Druggie and I talk about drugs for a bit but it's not at all annoying. There's some talk of music, Pittsburgh, and gosh in general it was pretty fantastic. That's the thing about two socially aware people though. Both of us were trying to put each other at ease with relative success, but I couldn't tell how much of it was actual attraction vs. how much of it was politeness on either end. I guess it really doesn't matter in the end because I had a good time. Again no sex in sight for us, but I wonder if I can make a friend out of this one?

Scrawny Narcissist

He looked like a cute nerdy teacher. I was envisioning this bubbly, shy sort of guy who's greatest passions were hiking and coaching an inner city basketball team. He was to be the bashful type, humble to a fault and with the world's most beautiful smile that would melt me into a vulnerable puddle. I'm slowly beginning to realize the only place those kind of men exist are in my mind. We'd had some interesting bantering via texts so I was curious for sure.

Warning signs:
1. His referring to me as a sexy girl playing in dirt within the first three text exchanges
2. His calling me past 9pm to see what my night plans were

This probably would have been enough for a half-intelligent woman but, alas I'm beginning to think I might not be one. So I made a date for 9pm at the local brewpub and was excited to meet this aggressively bubbly nerdboy "maverick".

FAIL
He had a receding hairline which truthfully wouldn't have deterred me much, but because he was a babbling idiot I thought it would be important to direct attention to his bad hair. He had only child syndrome to the max and wouldn't stop telling me how amazing he is. He'd done this. He'd helped these people. If I mentioned I took a mile hike, he'd probably tell me about his Himalayan expedition. If I had read a book yesterday, he would have ready it five years ago in seven different languages. He was the quintessential one-upper. See, nowadays when I have human interactions, I liken people to wild animals and see how any behavior would benefit or handicap someone from getting laid... which is really what we all want for. So I get it. He's trying to prove how he's a great catch, but anyone could go around showcasing their goods on a plate. It takes a man of stealth and maturity to do it slyly.
Men of the world, I don't care how generous/talented/mature you actually are, as long as you can trick me into believing you are so!

My favorite quote from Bored to Death:
"with a man you feel like you're being taken and you like it with a boy you feel like something is being stolen from you and you don't like it "

The hair I can brush off with a single drink. The aggressive bragging would take two. His arrogance would take three to become a semi-acceptable confidence. He was so sure he was the best catch I was going to get. What's the fun in that? Chase me goddamnit because you're just not good enough to be chased! The clincher was him refusing to think couchsurfing was a good entity. HOW DARE HE? After ten minutes of my regular evangelical script I always give non-believers, I was ready for the date to end.

He just kept on smiling with the world's grossest smile. The revolting smile of arrogance. He walked me to my car.

GRAND FINALE
He gave me a hug and grabbed my shoulders and leaned in as if he were going to give me a kiss in which I looked at him utterly baffled. Had he not read a single signal of pure hatred I was sending him for those 1.5 awful hours we were together? Then he pushed me away saying, "nah, you gave me too hard of a time". The nerve of that man! He pulled a move on me with the sole objective of denying me!

I still look back in a mixture of disgust and hatred, but with each passing day a smile. This guy gave me the best metaphorical slap in the face I've ever gotten. I guess it serves me right. Touche asshole.

Dreamboat

There is too much to say about this one and too much on the line to write about this. I'm happy with him if only because it's solid proof that online dating can really be a positive thing. :)

Curry Dick

I've always had a thing for Indian men. It's that smooth chocolate skin against those bright white teeth. Yummy! So when I started talking to a tall med student chocolate dream stud that liked David Lynch and music festivals...I was smitten.

We decided to meet at the trendiest most expensive little restaurant for god knows what reason. It seemed like a great idea at the time because I had just moved to a new place and was eager to explore anywhere. I have since realized I hate having to cross my legs and use the right forks on a regular day. Why the hell would I want to do that for a first date? But hey, I like challenges so this was fun.

I wish I saw sparks but there was just nothing. I don't know why. We had much in common but he never made me comfortable enough to start talking about my more secretive habits in life... (the good kind that my parents shall never ever know about). I felt judged, which is funny because I'm a harsh judge myself. I treated the date as an interview...something I've noticed I do every time I meet someone new. I can't help it! I'm a born schmoozer!

Well it just wasn't challenging enough of a date. Both of us are professionals in "comfort" so the date was comfortable and nothing more. He called a week later and plans for a second date fell through.

RIP our potential tall world-conquering cocoalicious genius babies

Social Retard

He was cute, semi-witty, and assholey so I was sold. I was still going for assholes back them ick.

I had all the mo's gathered at my house around date time. Mind you it wasn't on purpose. They were hanging out like they often do in the house as he pulled up. I was terrified and franticly flapping around for a good three hours beforehand. I imagined every horrible circumstance that was possible as I'm often guilty of doing. Is he a serial killer? Is he going to like me at all? Who's gonna pay? What the hell are we going to talk about?

These thoughts and more were racing through my head as I stepped into his tan oldsmobile and calmy introduced myself with a handshake. (Why do I and so many others treat strangers like .. they're strangers? I've since come to the realization people are just people but there's a whole other lecture in that.) He was talking like a maniac the second I came into the car though so all I had to do was sit there, smile, and nod every so often. I didn't know at that point, this was how the rest of the date was going to be- him bragging about his different conquests in life and me trying my very best not to look away in disgust. The car ride there should have been enough to inform me to RUN. RUN HOME.

First there was the mention of his dead sibling. (So I confess, nothing turns me on like a good story of tragedy. I wish I could say I was joking but I am completely serious. When someone starts yapping about their dead dog or grandma with alzheimer's and their eyes glaze over because they're processing the event for themselves more than sharing a story with you... yea that makes me want to jump a boy's bones!) Maybe he knew this because the dead sister mention came from nowhere and was completely irrelevant to anything we were talking about. It was strange and made me uncomfortable more than anything else. If that weren't bad enough, he then tried to justify to me that sixteen year olds are hot. I don't even understand how he managed to bring that up in our five minutes of conversation! It's not something I'm horribly against (I've been caught more than one time ravaging high school boys... with my eyes), but in ten minutes time of meeting someone, not the most appropriate. Again, this was all in the ten minute car ride to the coffee shop!

Fast forward to the coffee shop, he takes out his phone and proceeds to show me all kinds of goodies. By goodies of course I mean pictures of his ex-conquests. Whoever clued him in on my weakness for tragedy didn't let him in on my biggest pet peeve in life which is playing with phones during a date. And of all things to be showing me, why this?


Fast forward to dropping me off. The climax to my own tragedy of a date was when he mentioned his previous korean girlfriends. Boys, this is a huge no-no. In general talking about your exes on a first date is usually a no-no isn't it? The second he parked the car I had the door open, but his story wasn't finished. So there I sat door ajar listening about his korean ex-girlfriend and the generalizations he's made from dating her.

Boy might be retarded. 

I'm prompted to do this

1. After a conversation on online dating with Bgu

2. Trying to make this summer worth it.

3. To optimize my online dating