Scrawny Narcissist

He looked like a cute nerdy teacher. I was envisioning this bubbly, shy sort of guy who's greatest passions were hiking and coaching an inner city basketball team. He was to be the bashful type, humble to a fault and with the world's most beautiful smile that would melt me into a vulnerable puddle. I'm slowly beginning to realize the only place those kind of men exist are in my mind. We'd had some interesting bantering via texts so I was curious for sure.

Warning signs:
1. His referring to me as a sexy girl playing in dirt within the first three text exchanges
2. His calling me past 9pm to see what my night plans were

This probably would have been enough for a half-intelligent woman but, alas I'm beginning to think I might not be one. So I made a date for 9pm at the local brewpub and was excited to meet this aggressively bubbly nerdboy "maverick".

FAIL
He had a receding hairline which truthfully wouldn't have deterred me much, but because he was a babbling idiot I thought it would be important to direct attention to his bad hair. He had only child syndrome to the max and wouldn't stop telling me how amazing he is. He'd done this. He'd helped these people. If I mentioned I took a mile hike, he'd probably tell me about his Himalayan expedition. If I had read a book yesterday, he would have ready it five years ago in seven different languages. He was the quintessential one-upper. See, nowadays when I have human interactions, I liken people to wild animals and see how any behavior would benefit or handicap someone from getting laid... which is really what we all want for. So I get it. He's trying to prove how he's a great catch, but anyone could go around showcasing their goods on a plate. It takes a man of stealth and maturity to do it slyly.
Men of the world, I don't care how generous/talented/mature you actually are, as long as you can trick me into believing you are so!

My favorite quote from Bored to Death:
"with a man you feel like you're being taken and you like it with a boy you feel like something is being stolen from you and you don't like it "

The hair I can brush off with a single drink. The aggressive bragging would take two. His arrogance would take three to become a semi-acceptable confidence. He was so sure he was the best catch I was going to get. What's the fun in that? Chase me goddamnit because you're just not good enough to be chased! The clincher was him refusing to think couchsurfing was a good entity. HOW DARE HE? After ten minutes of my regular evangelical script I always give non-believers, I was ready for the date to end.

He just kept on smiling with the world's grossest smile. The revolting smile of arrogance. He walked me to my car.

GRAND FINALE
He gave me a hug and grabbed my shoulders and leaned in as if he were going to give me a kiss in which I looked at him utterly baffled. Had he not read a single signal of pure hatred I was sending him for those 1.5 awful hours we were together? Then he pushed me away saying, "nah, you gave me too hard of a time". The nerve of that man! He pulled a move on me with the sole objective of denying me!

I still look back in a mixture of disgust and hatred, but with each passing day a smile. This guy gave me the best metaphorical slap in the face I've ever gotten. I guess it serves me right. Touche asshole.