No bottle service can compare to those boxes shamelessly brought to Chicken Latino and shared amongst equally shameless friends.
No drag queen can compare to the drunk and hairy bellied trannies with crooked wigs at the Blue Moon who are always trying to get you to buy them a drink
No night at Pacha will come close to the any night daggering next to half naked sweaty men on the slippery floors of “the tilden”
Crocodile Lounge is really great, but for their one pizza per drink deal you could feed an entire bar of angsty punks and burnouts at the Rock Room
No Michelin star restaurant can give you the feeling of a 3am breakfast sandwich at Ritter’s surrounded by all the other hungry drunk idiots of Pittsburgh
The Moma might have a van gogh or two, but it'll never have the glamour of the stuffed turtle-ducks and embalmed genitals at Trundle Manor
The subway is a magical place but no comparison to the Pittsburgh buses that are habitually late and where you’re bound to sit next to an obese man with a strange twitch and stranger funk (but you best believe he’ll say thank you to that bus driver before he exits)
I miss Pittsburgh.
New York is no Pittsburgh.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Spooky Saga
I was in a bizzare pseudo-relationship with a man who goes by Spooky. No, that isn't some kind of strange nickname I gave him that represents his dong or personality quirk. Spooky is the name he introduced himself as six years ago and what I continue to call him.
There can be a lot said about the five years we spent together, but I thought I'd sum it up with memorable quotes:
Hold this gun.
Will you come over later and undo my hair.
You gon be my bitch, my ho, or my girlfriend. You decide.
Miss, how's life treating you.
Good girl.
It's not alright for a dad to go to jail for longer than three years.
From phone calls to the police, to broken windows, to steak in weed butter, to exhaustive screaming matches, it doesn't take a genius to figure out ours was a destructive and abusive relationship. I know now everything I never want to have in a relationship, but I don't regret for a moment the sloppy nights out, or the clumsy videogaming, or the seriousness weirdness that was my five years with Spooky.
There can be a lot said about the five years we spent together, but I thought I'd sum it up with memorable quotes:
Hold this gun.
Will you come over later and undo my hair.
You gon be my bitch, my ho, or my girlfriend. You decide.
Miss, how's life treating you.
Good girl.
It's not alright for a dad to go to jail for longer than three years.
From phone calls to the police, to broken windows, to steak in weed butter, to exhaustive screaming matches, it doesn't take a genius to figure out ours was a destructive and abusive relationship. I know now everything I never want to have in a relationship, but I don't regret for a moment the sloppy nights out, or the clumsy videogaming, or the seriousness weirdness that was my five years with Spooky.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Season 2: The Glitter Chronicles
I left my relationship with Stringbean amicably and re-reading what I wrote I'm glad to know I wasn't being a crazy after all, but that our shared interests are truly unique to our relationship. I'm glad to have him in my life and for the summer I shared with him, but alas all things end.
So my life of online dating came to a quick crash and burn with my first rejection and then the onslaught of work that is architecture. I am by no means suffering. Life's pretty great, but my own love life is something I'm not willing to externalize at the moment to anyone let alone a possible public audience, though I'm sure that too will change.
__________________________________________________________________
For now what I'm chronicling is no longer the online relationships I make, but the relationships my gay friends are making and the friends I'm developing in the process of their crazy adventures.
If you do online dating right, it's just that - a crazy adventure. It's an excuse to meet new people and do exciting new things. As it is whenever you meet anyone interesting, meeting a "stranger" is giving you a key into someone's life, a new perspective, a few subsets of specific knowledge. (I'm looking at the men in my life who've taught me sports, languages, software, beer, and sex)
So let's start with my friend crush of the week.
Prince Charming
My buddy is the definition of a serial dater. What I did last summer doesn't even compare. Okcupid and Grindr have become his tools for pleasure-seeking. I often find him half-listening to the things I'm saying but deeply focused on his phone. When I see his finger flick the screen, it's a dead giveaway he's cruising for whatever is in a 500 feet radius (1000 if they're really good looking).
Being ignored really isn't the problem though. It is keeping track of all the men he's meeting and falling in love with, falling out of love with, fucking, or fucking with. There's only so many blowjob stories a mind can retain! So when another week began with him gushing on and on about Prince Charming I thought nothing of it. I did my dutiful Ooo-ing and Aaa-ing and "he sounds great", but really I knew this guy would be yesterday's news just as the past 20 have become. I have to admit I was surprised when my friend invited me out to dinner with him.
Arriving at Prince's house, I was already enamored. The guy let out a loud giggle when we came and as I went about touching everything in his house. Anecdote: Architects are supposed to be the masters of space, but are infamous for living in the shittiest of places. If dating Stringbean did nothing else, I gained an appreciation for making the space you inhabitat a well thought out one. I think about his apartment a lot- maybe more than I think about him. That's how important a space is huh. His small living room was furnished perfectly. Every article was carefully chosen and place in its own special spot. Cluttered enough that you felt at ease lying on the couch, but so well furnished you know this guy has a distinct aesthetic - a guy confident about the choices he makes.
The next part I couldn't have scripted any better. He ran into the kitchen and returned to put a Bell's Two Hearted in my hand while wearing a Tribe shirt. I don't think anyone in the history of mankind has been wooed so quickly. I needed to know everything about this man and I needed to know now!
Prince, like myself and every gay man, is a schmoozer and we got along immediately. I even threw in some dirty jokes here and there to gauge his level of comfort. By the 7th joke I was saying things that would make my mother want to "shove me right back in there" as she often threatened to do with my sister.
Prince took me out for what might be in my top 10 best meals of all time (definitely in my top 10 priciest), and we had a blast the two of use talking about architecture, music, Pittsburgh politics, and food. It was like my friend wasn't even there! I was completely at ease and loving every minute of our back and forth wit and wordplay. Sidenote: I swear people that enjoy hiphop have a different appreciation for words.
I guess I'm leaving out the bits that make him so special. It doesn't hurt that he's really good looking and has this great mane of thick salt and pepper hair that's dying to be stroked (and alright the next day I might have gotten a little drunk and spent an inappropriate amount of time pulling my fingers through his hairs). Besides the looks he's a guy completely at ease with himself.
Meeting the dozens of new people per week that I do, that's been something I've recently confirmed. There is nothing sexier than a person completely comfortable with himself. They're generally happier wiser people that others want to be around.
Very much like the people I meet online, the relationships I make with these gay men are unpredictable and have no set course or timeline. If my friend breaks up with this guy, it will most likely mean the end of my relationship with Prince Charming. I don't think either of us would actively try to rid of one another, but that's the way things go.
Here's to hoping I get to run my fingers through that hair a few dozen more times.
Prince Charming
My buddy is the definition of a serial dater. What I did last summer doesn't even compare. Okcupid and Grindr have become his tools for pleasure-seeking. I often find him half-listening to the things I'm saying but deeply focused on his phone. When I see his finger flick the screen, it's a dead giveaway he's cruising for whatever is in a 500 feet radius (1000 if they're really good looking).
Being ignored really isn't the problem though. It is keeping track of all the men he's meeting and falling in love with, falling out of love with, fucking, or fucking with. There's only so many blowjob stories a mind can retain! So when another week began with him gushing on and on about Prince Charming I thought nothing of it. I did my dutiful Ooo-ing and Aaa-ing and "he sounds great", but really I knew this guy would be yesterday's news just as the past 20 have become. I have to admit I was surprised when my friend invited me out to dinner with him.
Arriving at Prince's house, I was already enamored. The guy let out a loud giggle when we came and as I went about touching everything in his house. Anecdote: Architects are supposed to be the masters of space, but are infamous for living in the shittiest of places. If dating Stringbean did nothing else, I gained an appreciation for making the space you inhabitat a well thought out one. I think about his apartment a lot- maybe more than I think about him. That's how important a space is huh. His small living room was furnished perfectly. Every article was carefully chosen and place in its own special spot. Cluttered enough that you felt at ease lying on the couch, but so well furnished you know this guy has a distinct aesthetic - a guy confident about the choices he makes.
The next part I couldn't have scripted any better. He ran into the kitchen and returned to put a Bell's Two Hearted in my hand while wearing a Tribe shirt. I don't think anyone in the history of mankind has been wooed so quickly. I needed to know everything about this man and I needed to know now!
Prince, like myself and every gay man, is a schmoozer and we got along immediately. I even threw in some dirty jokes here and there to gauge his level of comfort. By the 7th joke I was saying things that would make my mother want to "shove me right back in there" as she often threatened to do with my sister.
Prince took me out for what might be in my top 10 best meals of all time (definitely in my top 10 priciest), and we had a blast the two of use talking about architecture, music, Pittsburgh politics, and food. It was like my friend wasn't even there! I was completely at ease and loving every minute of our back and forth wit and wordplay. Sidenote: I swear people that enjoy hiphop have a different appreciation for words.
I guess I'm leaving out the bits that make him so special. It doesn't hurt that he's really good looking and has this great mane of thick salt and pepper hair that's dying to be stroked (and alright the next day I might have gotten a little drunk and spent an inappropriate amount of time pulling my fingers through his hairs). Besides the looks he's a guy completely at ease with himself.
Meeting the dozens of new people per week that I do, that's been something I've recently confirmed. There is nothing sexier than a person completely comfortable with himself. They're generally happier wiser people that others want to be around.
Very much like the people I meet online, the relationships I make with these gay men are unpredictable and have no set course or timeline. If my friend breaks up with this guy, it will most likely mean the end of my relationship with Prince Charming. I don't think either of us would actively try to rid of one another, but that's the way things go.
Here's to hoping I get to run my fingers through that hair a few dozen more times.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
How I Found Him Online and You Can Too!
When I first arrived in Philly, I did some aggressive online-dating. I'm a hyper-social extrovert to begin with, moving to a new city where I had very few people I know, and starting a job with zero co-workers. This was to be my salvation.
Sure, it took a month and a half to find the right one, but what's that compared to the rest of my life? I had a great time going on several dates a week and corresponding with different men every day. I had absolutely no expectation going into the whole thing, except to find people to go see stuff and eat stuff with. Admittedly, I was getting tired of the constant meet and greets by the time He rolled around too. I'm still the awkward girl I was in the beginning, but I've lost almost all anxiety about first dates. I love throwing myself into strange social situations and dating it seems is no exception.
Lessons Learned On Dating Online
1. Don't hide anything about yourself. Flaunt it.
Courting is a somewhat exhausting process. Especially as a woman, online dating affords plenty of fish. If there are things about yourself you're unsure of will attract or deter people, make them loud and clear! Then you won't have to waste your time on people that just don't get it.
2. Don't be nervous.
I've rationalized myself out of nervousness. Sure, I get a few butterflies before some dates that look uber promising, but I rest assured that if this isn't the one there are plenty more. Plenty plenty more. (update--- this is impossible if you have composure of a 12 year old girl which it seems describes me in a nutshell)
3. It's impossible to predict what someone is like in real life until you meet them.
I pride myself on being able to read people fairly accurately, so I was surprised to see how inaccurate online profiling can be. Sure having a correspondence will tell you a lot, but never the whole story. I had a rich month long correspondance with someone that turned out to be the Footstomper. I had an awkward forced correspondance with someone that I turned out to like a lot in real life. You just never know.
4. Take plentiful risks.
Take risks. Contact anyone you find yourself attracted to. What's the worst that can happen? There are so many more people you haven't met!
5. Cast your net wide.
There are going to be your share of Scrawny Narcissists and Footstompers. Go on lots and lots of dates. Your probability of finding a keeper can only increase.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Flashback to Footstomper
I've had many awkward correspondences gone wrong in the past. In the early days of facebook, when etiquette of social networking wasn't really established and people didn't limit themselves with boundaries, I'd receive a handful of messages from random strangers I had not met yet. I'm talking specifically about people who contacted me before I even arrived in college to talk about "stuff". Stuff could be anything from jazz to campus dining. These individuals and I made very loose plans to meet up, but with the fast pace of first semester it just never happened. Then when I was finally introduced to the person in real life through mutual friends, or recognized their face as they crossed the street, a pang of embarrassment went through my stomach. We had talked so in depth and then failed to make any real connection in the real world.
So... Footstomper. This was back when I was much more nervous about the online dating ordeal. I was reluctant to meet people I hadn't spoken to for a while and genuinely believed you can tell a lot about someone through their messages. (I still believe you can read a good 60% of someone through their messages, but that's not close enough to justify me liking someone!)
Footstomper and I shared page upon page of stimulating messages and it was a nice brain massage to have to respond to someone that cared and had an equal amount to share. After weeks of correspondences (which alone would make a nice little book), we decided to meet for milkshakes.
DATE
First appearances matter a lot. Whether you're willing to admit it to yourself or not, it determines how you feel about the person immediately. This guy truthfully looked like a bit of a mess. His personality wasn't too far from that either. We greeted each other with an awkward hug. Some people just aren't good at hugs and he happens to be one of them. It was a cold grip. It was within three minutes, he was crossed out of my book. He accidentally stepped on my right foot and instead of apologizing said, "let me step on your other foot to make it even". Yes, he went ahead and stepped on my left foot too.
Was this a nervous tick? Well, he continued to talk about his sad life. If there is only one thing I want in a partner/friend/human-being, it's an excitement for life. He talked about humanity negatively and didn't flow with my optimistic humanistic existence. I went home discouraged, with a bad taste in my mouth. He texted me that night saying he had a great time and if I wanted to meet up again. I don't remember the last time I had to outright reject someone. Usually a casual slipping away is suffice. It would be a waste of his and my time to try to make this work. He just didn't have the bare essentials I thought necessary. "Sorry, I don't think we're compatible" I wrote.
He then proceeded to give me an award on okcupid, announcing to the world that I'm intelligent and a catch. I guess this guy never fails to keep surprising me.
Last week, more than a month after our meeting, I saw he had joined couchsurfing and begun posting on the boards after I recommended it to him.
Online dating can be weird like that.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Scrambling Eggs
Women, and particularly myself, should be locked away in a resort somewhere the week they're scrambling eggs... and maybe the week they're laying them too! The thoughts that stream through my head and the flurry of crazy emotions makes me want to hide under a blanket until it's all over!
It'll all be over soon and for that I'm glad.
Mr. Right-Now aka Stringbean
Good things come in threes? I've never believed in that bull, but the last three dates have been so surprisingly pleasant. Last night's though won.
Stats:
-enjoys Bjork, Joanna Newsom, Antony Hegarty, Sharon Jones, Yo La Tengo
-secular humanist
-works for a great architecture firm (bonus points because he's a graphic designer and not an architect)
-taller than me
Cons:
-non-alpha
-stick
-vagetarian... (me? with a vegetarian? blasphemy!)
So I'm sure you've reached the same conclusion I did. Gay. Truthfully, he has all the tell-tale signs and on top of this the date went swimmingly so that's solid proof. Alas, I'm a dreamer. There HAS to be a straight guy with these characteristics somewhere in the world, and who says it's not this one? Statistics that's who.
DATE
He came a bit late and we went in. He's by far the most awkward date I've had. He had a little trouble making eye contact and that hug was nerd-boy-virgin hug. It's very much like hugging a human-sized insect. It's all very genuine, but so awkward. Here's to hoping that was a weird symptom of anxiety of meeting me for the first time... He has that same excitedness though that I adore. I guess in a lot of ways he's a docile version of me. I'm pretty smitten with this one but don't know how much of me wants to jump his bones... and that is what he is... a pile of bones.
After my beer and his cocktail (see the role-reversal here? you see why I might be concerned of his sexuality???)... we went for a walk through penn's campus looking at architecture. This is just one of those things I nerd out about and love nerding out about so it couldn't have been better. Nerd boys are the best!... well ones that aren't arrogant and he isn't!
update 7.7.11
It was just so comfortable. As much as I can pile on the schmooze at any social function, when it comes to boys I am completely hopeless. My friend likes to repeat the classic story of when I slapped away a boy that was giving me a foot massage that I was horribly in love with... and then again when he kissed my inner thigh. What the hell is wrong with me? My tragedy. It's nothing I'm proud of, but just something I accepted as a curse put on me by some evil sex goblins.
When date night two came, I entered the apartment determined that if it went well I would NOT be a pussy about it. Started watching Happiness and he started doing the hand thing. Come on now, we're all adults and we all know what "watching a movie" is all about. It is never, ever, ever about watching a movie. Being an incorrigible social retard, I've always avoided the "hand thing", moving my hand away or my entire body to the other side of the couch. It PAINED my to do so but I kept my hand there for him to do the hand thing. After a good half hour of the hand thing we were sitting holding hands... all that good cute stuff.... another half hour and we were at it. The strange thing was how comfortable the whole ordeal was. I'm still left wondering how abnormal my level of comfort there was... is it always like that? I'm a hand thing virgin! I have no clue!
Spent America's birthday with him again. I was pretty brutal it seems when I first wrote about him. I'm falling for this one. I know because I'm not divulging in half the date details or feelings. crap.
Stats:
-enjoys Bjork, Joanna Newsom, Antony Hegarty, Sharon Jones, Yo La Tengo
-secular humanist
-works for a great architecture firm (bonus points because he's a graphic designer and not an architect)
-taller than me
Cons:
-non-alpha
-stick
-vagetarian... (me? with a vegetarian? blasphemy!)
So I'm sure you've reached the same conclusion I did. Gay. Truthfully, he has all the tell-tale signs and on top of this the date went swimmingly so that's solid proof. Alas, I'm a dreamer. There HAS to be a straight guy with these characteristics somewhere in the world, and who says it's not this one? Statistics that's who.
DATE
He came a bit late and we went in. He's by far the most awkward date I've had. He had a little trouble making eye contact and that hug was nerd-boy-virgin hug. It's very much like hugging a human-sized insect. It's all very genuine, but so awkward. Here's to hoping that was a weird symptom of anxiety of meeting me for the first time... He has that same excitedness though that I adore. I guess in a lot of ways he's a docile version of me. I'm pretty smitten with this one but don't know how much of me wants to jump his bones... and that is what he is... a pile of bones.
After my beer and his cocktail (see the role-reversal here? you see why I might be concerned of his sexuality???)... we went for a walk through penn's campus looking at architecture. This is just one of those things I nerd out about and love nerding out about so it couldn't have been better. Nerd boys are the best!... well ones that aren't arrogant and he isn't!
update 7.7.11
It was just so comfortable. As much as I can pile on the schmooze at any social function, when it comes to boys I am completely hopeless. My friend likes to repeat the classic story of when I slapped away a boy that was giving me a foot massage that I was horribly in love with... and then again when he kissed my inner thigh. What the hell is wrong with me? My tragedy. It's nothing I'm proud of, but just something I accepted as a curse put on me by some evil sex goblins.
When date night two came, I entered the apartment determined that if it went well I would NOT be a pussy about it. Started watching Happiness and he started doing the hand thing. Come on now, we're all adults and we all know what "watching a movie" is all about. It is never, ever, ever about watching a movie. Being an incorrigible social retard, I've always avoided the "hand thing", moving my hand away or my entire body to the other side of the couch. It PAINED my to do so but I kept my hand there for him to do the hand thing. After a good half hour of the hand thing we were sitting holding hands... all that good cute stuff.... another half hour and we were at it. The strange thing was how comfortable the whole ordeal was. I'm still left wondering how abnormal my level of comfort there was... is it always like that? I'm a hand thing virgin! I have no clue!
Spent America's birthday with him again. I was pretty brutal it seems when I first wrote about him. I'm falling for this one. I know because I'm not divulging in half the date details or feelings. crap.
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